


Mixtape

by uberfuss



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-26 23:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1706237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uberfuss/pseuds/uberfuss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma decides to attempt to make a mixtape for Regina but encounters a slight issue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything. ABC and stuff.

Emma, being an 80’s kid, wanted to make Regina a mix tape. Turns out tapes and all the necessary paraphernalia were not readily available, even in Storybrooke. Which she could not understand considering the town had been stuck in 1983 for long enough. She ploughed on past these issues though and settled for a ‘mix cd’- it didn’t have the same ring to it, not as ‘romantic’. 

Settled in front of Mary Margaret’s laptop, the blond popped open the disc drive and clumsily attempted to place the disc on the tray. Mission accomplished, she pulled up her mothers iTunes and began scanning said individual’s eclectic- surprisingly- taste in music. As she scrolled haphazardly through songs ranging from Mozart to Slipknot, Emma realised she had one huge problem; she had no idea what kind of music Regina liked. They’d been dating for around a month and not once had she heard any music, not even the radio being played in the mansion. 

After frowning hard at the screen, Emma snatched her phone of the table and dialled Henry. 

He picked up after an irritatingly lengthy amount of rings, “What?”

Emma gasped in mock offense, “What way is that to answer the phone to your mother?”

Henry sighed down the phone, “Every time you’ve called me for the last month, it’s been to ask something about mom and I’m guessing this time is no different. You’re using me, I don’t like it. Find a new Regina-cyclopedia”

Emma smirked to herself then remembered he couldn’t see her. “This time it’s important. I’m making your mom a mixtape. What kind of music does she listen to?”

Henry chuckled into the phone. He was sixteen now and his voice had almost fully broken but there was the occasional high pitched noise, especially when he laughed. “What’s a ‘tape’?”

“Don’t pretend you’re too young to remember”

“Technically I am. If mom didn’t have so much crap from the 80’s I’d be clueless to like everything”

“Did she have the movie ‘Clueless’?”

There was a pause on the line and Henry whispered, “Yes but don’t ever tell her I told you or that I said she loved it. Also that’s from the 90’s.”

Emma snorted, “Yeah, whatever. Same difference. So what music does she like? Don’t tell me its 80’s rock or 80’s power ballads? I’m dumping her if it is.”

“It’s neither of those but you might dump her anyway. I’ll give you a clue. It’s the scarier end of grams iTunes collection”

“What do you mean ‘scarier’ end?”

“Well I’m guessing you’re using her laptop, think about it. Classical isn’t scary. I gotta go Ma, I’ve got a date tonight and even though I shaved this morning, my chin is like Leroy’s again.”

Emma choked on the laughter that spilled from her at the reference to Leroy when she realised he’d said ‘date’, “What do you mean date?! Who with?!”

“Don’t tell mom, love you, bye.” The line clicked and Emma glared at her cell muttering ‘damn kids’.

‘Soooooo, the scarier end…’ She mumbled to herself as she started separating the music by genre. ‘Oh’.

She blinked a few times as what Henry meant sunk in. 

Regina was a metal head.

……………………………………………………………

Regina was in her office fast asleep, drooling on her paperwork when her secretary barged in carrying a small package. Her secretary, Rosa, was used to this phenomena, it had been occurring since she first started working for the mayor, in 1983. Rosa had been given a significant pay rise when the first incident of ‘sleepy drooling mayor’ had occurred and there was nothing more said about it.

Rosa rolled her eyes at the familiar, albeit still amusing, sight and slammed the small flat package down as hard as she could without causing any damage to what was obviously a disc.

Regina’s head shot up at the cracking sound, wiping her face automatically and blearily glaring at Rosa.

“Yes dear?” She drawled, hoping it would sound threatening. It didn’t.

Rosa smiled fondly and pointed at the package, “The puppy eyed saviour dropped this off. Said I had to give it to you ‘asap’. Yeah, she air quoted that bit. It’s terrifying that she is the Sherriff and the saviour, you know?” She flicked her hair and strutted out of the office, calling back over her shoulder, “Much better than that homeless guy you dated though.”

Regina planted her elbows on the desk and held her head in her hands, groaning and fingering her hair, trying to waken. She reached down and picked the package up by the corner, curling her lip at Emma’s scrawled handwriting. Her tired mind took over her thoughts and ‘I hope she’s better at other things with her hands’ fell into her head. The mayor clutched the package to her chest and looked around, alarmed, as though someone might have heard her thoughts. When she remembered she was alone and as far as she knew, not even the Dark One could read minds, she relaxed back onto her elbows and slouched holding the small package in front of her face.

The brunette opened the package slowly; fairly dubious of what would be inside. She’d known Emma for around 6 years now but since they started dating, it was like she was meeting a whole other person. And this person was beyond awkward and dorky. She lazily tipped it upside down after delicately opening it and the disc fell onto the desk followed by a letter. Her dark eyes flitted between the two objects before she snatched up the letter, opened it and began to read.

 

'Dear Regina,  
I decided to make you a mixtape. Storybrooke has no tapes. This is not a mixtape then. It’s a mix cd. Henry said once I found out what music you liked, I’d probably dump you. He’s right. You’re dumped.  
Ha! No. I wouldn’t dump you. You have fire balls and that’s scary.  
Anyway. While making this ta-cd, I had to listen to each song over and over to actually get the lyrics coz that’s what’s meaningful, right?  
So as I write this, I am in the hospital having my ears examined. They’re bleeding. And I think I burst an ear drum. Mom’s really mad at you.'  


Regina smiled to herself, making Snow mad was still fun. She was also wondering if Emma was joking about this.  


'I hope you like it. I think it’s romantic. The concept that is, not any of these songs. Most of them are terrifying but if that’s what you like then ok. I will stick to Dolly Parton.

Emma.'

Regina picked up the cd and noticed the scrawled title on the disc, ‘Songs to make your ears bleed/songs that Regina probably finds sappy’. She ‘hmm’ed’ and flipped open her laptop. Once it had whirred to life she opened the disc tray and placed the disc in carefully then checking her surround sound and speakers were all set up. 

Outside the office, Rosa sighed as the familiar sound of heavy metal music started. She reached into her drawer and pulled out a pack of disposable ear plugs and shoved two in a little roughly, wincing at the ear intrusion. She glanced back at the office and smiled to herself, ‘Definitely better than Hood’ she thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own anything. ABC etc.

Fingers massaged Emma’s scalp and the dulcet tones of the mix cd blared through the house. She purred quietly under her girlfriends ministrations. 

‘Girlfriend’, Emma’s mouth unconsciously formed the word silently and her eyes opened, wide and her body tensed briefly. Regina’s fingers stilled for a moment but continued when Emma’s body relaxed. The blond turned to stare up at Regina from her position laying her head on the mayor’s lap.

“Turn it down”, Emma said.

Regina waved her hand around eccentrically then finally gestured to her ears and mouthed, ‘I can’t hear you’.

Emma rolled her eyes, sighed and concentrated really hard, using her magic to lower the volume. Once the music had been lowered to a suitable conversation enabling level, 

Emma stared back up at Regina. ‘She has hair in her nose!’ She unconsciously slid a finger into her own nose to check if she too had hair. Why hadn’t she noticed this before? 

“What on earth are you doing, Ms Swan?” Regina grimaced down at her.

“Uh… crap. Nothing.” Emma yanked her finger out and remembered the reason she’d wanted to talk. She put on her serious face and blurted out, “Girlfriend”

“Excuse me? I’m going to need some context here” Regina frowned, “Do you want me to sing that infernal Avril Lavigne song? Are we playing that word game where I have to say the opposite? Boyfriend?”

Emma grinned, “I could be your boyfriend”

“I don’t want a boyfriend”

Emma’s grin fell into a pout, “So what do you want?”

Regina tapped her chin and placed a hand over Emma’s eyes. The blond shoved her arm away and continued pouting up at her.

“I want a gardener. I want stables in my back yard. I want the kitchen sink to stop blocking and the faucet to stop unscrewing.”

Emma snorted, “I have to tell you a secret.” Regina glared at her, vaguely knowing where this was going, “It was me that kept blocking the sink.”

“Why would you block my sink, Ms Swan?”

“Because I want you to be my girlfriend”

“Ah, so now the context is added” Regina covered Emma’s eyes again and this time the younger woman didn’t shove her away. A soft pair of lips pressed into her own with the hand still covering her eyes. “For once, we agree on something” was murmured against her mouth and the hand uncovered her eyes to meet smiling brown ones.

 

……………………………………………..

 

“So I thought about what you said the other night”, Regina lifted her eyes from her desk in the study at the sound of Emma’s voice.

“I said lots of things the other night”, the brunette growled as a spider scurried across her desk and under a stack of papers. She lifted the stack up, gave out a maniacal giggle and slammed the stack back down onto the unfortunate arachnid. 

Emma watched in horror and amusement, adding, “And in that moment, the queen returned”

Regina’s eyes snapped up to her and muttered a sharp, “Don’t” then let out a yelp and the spider ran out from under the stack and bungeed of the desk.

“Aaaaaaanyway. I hired a gardener.” Emma continued, watched the spider reach the floor and heading for the small sofa against the wall. She imagined it was giving Regina the finger, if it had any.

Regina snapped her fingers and Emma’s eyes landed back on her, “Who?”

The blond grinned and swung her arm from where it had been behind her back, a trowel in hand. 

“Me”

“No.”

“But-“

“No. When I said I wanted a gardener, I meant I want the Colin and Justin of gardeners” The brunette raised an eyebrow at Emma, “You-“ She waved a hand vaguely gesturing up and down Emma’s form, “-dress like that. I can’t imagine what you’d consider gardening.”

“You can’t judge my gardening on my fashion sense. That’s preposterous”, Emma huffed.

“It is not. I am however highly impressed you know such a big word. As a reward, you may mow my lawn”

Emma blinked as the obviously wrong image flooded her mind and she began to stare vacantly.

Regina sighed and waved her hand. The mix cd started playing, Metallica’s cover of Whiskey in the Jar being the track.

Henry appeared in the doorway and knocked lightly, “Hey, mom?”

The music lowered, “Yes dear?”

The teen edged into the office, giving his birth mother an odd look as he skirted around her, “What’s wrong with her?”

“I told her she could mow my lawn as a reward for using a larger word than her usual stinted vocabulary”

“Oh jesus mom, tmi” Henry grimaced and pretended to throw up.

Regina narrowed her eyes, “I don’t get it… is it- oh. I didn’t mean that, I meant the garden! Why did you even think of that? You’re just like your mother”

Emma finally came back to reality, “So now I’m his ‘mother’?”

Henry sighed, “You can have this fight or whatever it is when I’m done. Can I have twenty bucks?”

“No”

“Why not? C’mon mom, how often do I ask for anything?”

Regina cleared her throat and opened a drawer in her desk pulling out a folder, then slid it across the desk to Henry, “This is a record of every penny I’ve given you and everything you ever asked for and received”

Henry blinked, sputtered something unintelligible and turned to Emma, who was holding out a twenty. He recovered quickly and snatched it from her, “Cheers Ma. Suckers.” He slipped out of the room before Regina could react.

“Did ‘your’ son just called us, ‘suckers’?” Regina ground out.

“Yeah, ‘my’ son did. Why do you have that list?” Emma picked up the folder and slid a page out, “What the- this is your bank statements for the last like 34 years! Holy shit, look!” she held one up next to her face, “We’re the same age”

Regina closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose. Why was she dating this woman? She remembered when she opened her eyes and saw the moronic grin on Emma’s face.

“I knew he wouldn’t read it. It’s just a play.”

Emma shrugged and placed the statement back into the folder, then tossed the folder on the desk lightly. “I’m going to ‘mow your lawn’” she turned and walked out the door, calling, “Sucker”.

Regina sighed and relaxed back into her chair, waving her hand to begin the song again. She noticed something moving out of the corner of her eye. 

Regarding the spider with narrowed eyes as it edged out from under the sofa, she whispered, “I finally have something I haven’t had in a long time, someone to destroy”.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, don't own anything.   
> This sort of went from a oneshot to just something. I'm feeling it so I'm letting it ride out. Thank you for the kudos and comments. :)

“So what do you think about going away for the weekend?” Emma mumbled against Regina’s neck. She’d just woken and was snuggled into the brunette’s side.

Regina grumbled sleepily and attempted to stroke Emma’s hair but just ended up poking her in the eye.

“Why? Are you planning taking me somewhere?”

“Ow, by the way and no, I was just asking”.

 

An hour later Regina was marching down the corridor towards Henry’s room with Emma stumbling behind.

“Where are we even gonna go? What if I had plans? What if YOU had plans? You hate changing plans, in fact you hate spontaneity!” Emma grouched, throwing her arms in the air.

Regina spun around, smiling proudly, “Another big word, Emma. Four for you, Emma, you go Emma”. She pressed a quick kiss to Emma’s lips and turned to Henry’s door, knocking loudly. “Henry! Wake up, you’re packing for a weekend at your grandparents”

Emma was frantically searching her mind for the biggest word she knew for ‘thank you’ as she was beginning to see a pattern to her vocabulary improving; she got ‘rewards’. Also, did Regina just quote Mean Girls? She stored this information for later.

Henry’s door swung open to reveal a glaring teenager. He was a good head taller than them both now but that wasn’t hard, they were both short and in denial.

“Momzo, Emzo. It’s like, 7am. What the hell?”

Regina frowned up at him, her neck twinged; she should’ve worn her heels for this. “Momzo? I don’t like it and you have school today anyway, you should already be up and dressed and fed and brushed-“

Henry held up a hand for her to stop. They were sending him to grams for the weekend; this meant they were leaving for the weekend. He knew his grandparents were desperate for him to think they were cool and convincing them to let him stay at the mansion alone was gonna be easy, but he had to play along with the short idiots in front of him.

“You’re sending me there? I can look after myself, I’m sixteen! Ma even taught me how to microwave poptarts and scramble eggs, I’m sorted. And Neal hates me. I don’t like him much either.”

“Henry, those are not cooking skills. In fact when we return you and your other mother-“she turned to glare at Emma, “- will learn how to cook. It’s unacceptable that a thirty four year old adult cannot cook”

“Where are you going anyway? The next world disaster/action adventure movie better not be about you. You guys are like pinky and the brain, don’t even try to take over the world, mom”

“I-I- what?!-“Emma stepped in front of Regina and took over.

“Sorry kid, you’re going to grams and stop implying your mom’s a super villain. We’re all past that, except maybe certain images are ingrained in my head…” Her head turned and her eyes focused on Regina’s chest.

Henry groaned and threw his arms up in the air, “Fine. At least I won’t have to witness you guys ‘love’ for a weekend” He stepped back into his room and slammed the door shut.

At the sound of the door closing Emma regained her composure and looked seriously into Regina’s eyes, “I think he was trying to say you’d be pinky”.

Regina punched her arm not very lightly and stormed back to her room.

 

……………………………………………

 

Henry turned up at Snow and David’s after school, the appropriate unhappy face plastered on. He grumbled a ‘hey’ at them and went up the stairs three at a time to Emma’s room. She still technically lived with them but had unofficially moved into the mansion well before she’d even started dating his mom.  
The teen lay down on the bed and counted down from ten. Snow and David peered in the door as he reached ‘one’. 

“Henry. I know you’re not happy about having to stay here but you mother said under no circumstances were you allowed to be at the mansion alone.” Snow managed to grit out, like she was reading a script.

Henry sighed and looked away, then David added his two cents, “C’mon kiddo, at least we’re not old like other grandparents.”

“Other grandparents would let me do what I want” he turned his head and looked at them, the signature Swan puppy eyes switched on, “Please grams, gramps. Lemme stay at home. I just want some time alone, you don’t know what it’s like with them, there’s no peace and now I have this wonderful, peaceful opportunity.” He took a deep breath, ready to drop the bomb, "It’d be so cool if you just trusted me.”

That was it, telling them they would be cool and they were handing him Regina’s spare key like they were passing on the kingdom to him. He hugged them, told them they were ‘the best grandparents, like EVER’ and left, a smug, shit eating grin on his face.

‘Party time’, he thought as he opened his phone and send out a tweet.

‘Party at Regina’s tonight. 8pm. Bring whoever. And drink.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own anything. I understand that some people think Henry is probably a bit ooc but he's a teenager in this and I don't believe he's gonna be a good little kid forever.

Henry had never been appreciative of the fact his mom had taught him magic, until now. He didn’t want to know but she had insisted on a few basic protection spells. So there he was, standing on the porch casting a cloaking spell that would stop anyone, even if they were standing by the gate, from hearing or seeing a thing. If they walked into the garden however, he’d be in trouble but he had an inkling that no one was stupid enough to set foot on the former queen’s property even if she was out of town.  
He smirked to himself as he felt the spell complete and sighed out a, ‘Thank you, mom’ then cackled a little too similarly to Rumplestiltskin. He shuddered, remembering who is grandfather was and turned back into the house heading straight for his moms liquor cabinet.

 

………………………….

 

They’d decided on Montreal. Neither of them had been to Canada despite being so close. Despite being able to leave Storybrooke the entire time Regina had been there, Emma had the feeling she never went further than Boston. 

Emma glanced at her girlfriend and took in her appearance, her eyes were wide and twitchy and her legs were bouncing erratically. 

“You once terrorized multiple kingdoms but you’re scared of flying?” Emma tilted her head at Regina and twitched the corner of her mouth, a half attempt at amusing herself.

Regina leveled her with a patented ‘evil’ look and hissed out, “It’s a big piece of metal in the sky. It’s not natural or logical.”

“Actually it is logical. I’ll tell you how it works, maybe it’ll calm you down.” Emma reached out and took her girlfriends hand, squeezing it lightly.

Regina let her head fall back as she laughed, then it turned into an embarrassing snort. She sobered and glanced around as a few people stared. The guy opposite them winked at her. She had to yank Emma back into her seat, “Leave it babe.”

The blond glared at the guy as he laughed to himself then turned to Regina, “Why are you laughing at me?”

“I just don’t see how you would know anything about planes. No offense dear.”

“Too late, I’m offended. I’m gonna tell you anyway though, because unlike you, I want my girlfriend to be comfortable and at ease”

Regina rolled her eyes and waved her hand around, “On with it then.”

“It’s actually quite simple. The shape of the plane plays a part; the air catches under the wings and lifts the plane, keeping it up. The engines create thrust, making forward motion-“ she made a pushing movement with her hands outstretched in front of her, palms forward getting a little close to Regina’s chest. A raised eyebrow made her retract her hands and continue, “-then there’s the weight distribution, balance. Drag, then drag. But the shape makes less drag.”

“You looked that up before we came here didn’t you?” 

Emma looked like a deer caught in headlights, “No, nope. Known it for a while. How was I able to predict you’d be scared of flying?”

Regina smiled and her eyes started to water, “That’s so sweet.” She pushed forward and kissed Emma. 

When they separated Emma made sure to give the guy who’d been winking at Regina a smug grin. She never realised how much retaining knowledge had its perks. Maybe she should’ve been nerdier at school, and then all the chicks would’ve been all over her.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by her phone beeping. Fishing it out of her pocket, well, wrestling it out because her jeans were way too tight, she found it was a twitter notification. It was a tweet by Henry. Her eyes widened as she read the tweet.

‘Party at Regina’s tonight. 8pm. Bring whoever. And drink.’

 

………………………………………….

 

Emma had two options; tell Regina and they cut their romantic weekend before it even started, go home and kick Henry’s ass and her parents for that matter or she pretends she never read it and spends the weekend with her beautiful girlfriend while seeing the carnage they’d be going home to in the back of her mind. She wished she’d never made that twitter account, Henry had no idea it was her, this wasn’t the first tweet she’d seen and wished she hadn’t.

Her eyes travelled back up to Regina who seemed to have calmed and was glaring around the airport. Emma stared at her exposed neck and images of herself sucking, nibbling, and kissing that beautiful expanse of skin rushed through her mind. Decision made, she once again wrestled her phone back into her pocket but as she got it half way in there was another beep. The second beep drew Regina’s attention.

“Who’s that?” Regina narrowed her eyes at Emma slightly, already sensing something amiss.

“Snow, she’s uh, she said Henry is already complaining”

“Well of course he is, he has to stay with her and your idiot father”

Emma sighed subtly in relief as Regina bought her lie, “Hey, he’s not that stupid, he’s just gifted in other ways. He’s pretty good at sword fighting and horse riding.”

“So am I but I’m not an idiot”

Emma gawped, “You can use a sword?!”

“Yes. I frequently rode into battle and fought the old fashioned way.” The woman sitting on the chair next to Regina turned to them and regarded them suspiciously.

Emma noticed and quickly covered, “We’re talking about larping.”

The woman ignored her and turned back to her tablet. Regina leant forward and whispered, “What the hell is larping?”

“Live action role playing, larping.”

Regina ‘hmmed’ and stared out the window as a plane took off. She shuddered.

 

…………………………………..

 

Guests began to arrive at the mansion at eight. Henry was extremely excited, he’d been to parties but this was his first ‘rebellious teen’ party he’d be hosting. Shortly after he’d tweeted about the party, he’d sent out another one telling everyone there was a cloaking spell over the house and to just walk through.

He’d set out all the booze he could find on the island in the kitchen and hidden all of his mom’s expensive decorations. He was especially proud of the poster he’d attached to the front door. It was a photo of his mom last Halloween, she’d finally put on one of her ‘Evil Queen’ dresses she had stored in her vault. It had scared the shit out of people and it was hilarious. Under the picture he’d added, in bold letters, ‘Y’all know who my mom is so don’t be a dick. If you wanna keep your head on your shoulders, your skin on your back and your balls still attached, don’t go upstairs. Thank you.’

Within five minutes of people arriving, Regina had a brand new moustache.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own anything.

Emma finally got round to reading the next tweet once they had landed in Montreal. She waited for Regina to sprint for the nearest toilet – she’d refused to pee in mid-air- before she pulled her phone out of her pocket. 

‘There’s a cloaking spell over the house. Just walk on through.’

“Sneaky bastard.” Emma mumbled. She slid down the wall she’d had her back against and settled on the floor between all their bags. She was once again faced with options. Call her parents and tell them to get over there and stop what was probably a party already in full swing or just let the stupid kid learn from his mistakes.

Before she could make a decision, she spotted Regina walking towards her.

“Why are you on the ground? You don’t know what’s happened there, someone could’ve died there or urinated or defecated or vomited or copulated”

“Well, I’m sure there’s a very high standard of cleaning here.” Emma stood up, using the wall for support, her knees cracking, “Ooh I’m getting old. Not as old as you though, right?” she winked at Regina.

“At least I don’t look my age, Ms Swan” Regina spun on her heel and began regally walking toward the exit, calling behind her, “Do get the bags, dear”

Emma looked at the five bags surrounding her, “What the hell, I only took one.”

A nearby kid took pity on her and wheeled his trolley over, gestured between it and the bags shyly, then ran off. Emma smiled to herself and loaded the bags.

 

…………………………………..

 

Henry squeezed through the crowded house towards the door leading to the back yard. He was having a good time but sometimes crowds made him a little breathless, alcohol probably didn’t help.

As he exited into the yard, his eyes landed on Hansel and Gretel, passing something between them. When he got closer he recognised it as a joint and Hansel raised his eye brows and offered it to Henry, holding his breath. 

“How’d you guys get pot?” Henry asked as he accepted the joint.

Gretel shrugged and smiled lazily at him. 

Hansel responded after finally letting the puff of smoke out he’d been holding in, “She’s like nineteen now, Hen, and we can leave town. She spends half the time in Boston committing petty crimes and doing drugs” He grimaced at his sister, “Bugs me but she gives me free pot, can’t complain.”

Gretel swayed and stayed silent, a pensive yet vacant look on her face. Henry took a draw and held it in for a good twenty seconds.

He studied Gretel, “I thought you were in college”

“She is. She’s a woman, multi-tasking.”

The stoned girl finally focused fully on Henry and blurted out, “Your moms are hot”

The boy frowned at her and puffed out the draw he’d taken, “Thanks, I guess?”

“She’s right. Especially your evil mom. Those dresses back in the Enchanted Forest, damn”

Henry shoved the joint back at Hansel and raised his hands in the air, “Alright, I’m out.” He backed away from them and turned back into the house.

 

……………………………….

 

They’d been in the hotel for a few hours and had christened a few surfaces. Regina was in the shower, giving Emma time to check her twitter. She scrolled through all the mentions Henry was getting. He hadn’t tweeted himself since inviting people but plenty of the party guests had some interesting things to say.

Her favourite was a selfie Gretel had posted of her face next to a creative poster Henry had apparently stuck on the front door. She was beginning to wish she was at the party. The blond continued scrolling, finding a video. It was Hansel digging through Regina’s underwear drawer. 

Emma groaned and mumbled, ‘C’mon kid’. She decided to call Henry.

It took a few rings but he picked up and the noise was faint in the background.

“Hey, Ma!”

Emma rolled her eyes at the over enthusiastic answer which was obviously to disguise how drunk he was. Regina would probably have a heart attack if she knew he was drinking.

“Hey, kid. What’s up?”

“Oh you know, just doing some homework, watching TV, eating junk food, being bored by grams and gramps”

“Uhuh, I saw your tweet.”

“My what? I have no idea what you are talking about”

“Henry. I may be more annoyed you didn’t invite me than I am about you having a party but this isn’t cool. I’m gonna give you one chance though. When we get back and the house is spotless and you’re waiting at my parents to be picked up, I won’t tell your mom about the party until your eighteenth birthday and gotta clean the bathrooms for a month. If we get back and the house is wrecked and you’re still there, then the queen is coming out and I won’t do anything to stop her.”

Henry sighed dramatically, “Fine. I guess this makes you my ‘cool’ mom”

“Like there was ever any doubt. Alright, please don’t drink too much, break anything and if you do the dirty, use protection!”

“Oh my god, c’mon Ma. Too much.”

“Bye, love you!”

“Whatever… loveyoutoo”

Emma smiled as the phone clicked after Henry’s mumbled ‘I love you’. He was growing up so fast and almost starting to pretend he didn’t love them. Damn kids. 

She looked up as the bathroom door opened, revealing Regina wrapped in an overly fluffy, white bathrobe courtesy of the hotel. The sight made Emma giggle and she slid of the bed, padding over to her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her.

“You’re so fluffy! It’s adorable”

“Queens are not adorable, dear. We are regal, elegant and dangerous.” The brunette smirked and raised her eyebrows suggestively, “Also seductive”

“Nah, the queen of my heart is adorable” 

Regina rolled her eyes, “Really? So cheese”

“You keep quoting things I didn’t know you knew…”

“I like to keep up with the times, I’m even thinking of signing up to twitter.” 

Emma’s face fell. 

 

……………………………………………

 

A familiar playlist of songs slowly broke through the drunken haze of Henry’s mind and his feet carried him towards the source. He found himself in front of his mom’s study, one of the lost boys, Kyle, staring into a small glass tank that had appeared in that room recently.

“You’re not sposed to be in here” He slurred and gestured to the room by waving his hand.

Kyle glanced at him, then went back to staring into the tank, “What’s in here?” he tapped the glass, “And you said we couldn’t go upstairs. Hansel did, he was in your mom’s panties”

Henry grimaced and made said ‘ Bleuch’.

“Your mom listens to metallica. I saw her in Neverland though, I shouldn’t be surprised, she’s scary hardcore.” The next track came on, it was Duality by Slipknot. Kyle pointed up and grinned, “Slipknot. It gets better. This modern music, I love it.”

Henry walked over and stared into the tank, “I don’t know what’s in it.” He lifted the lid of and poked around, “Ma made this cd for mom. She thinks it’s romantic. I think it’s hilarious”.

They both let out ‘manly’ squeals as a spider ran out from under the fake rock inside the tank and onto Henry’s hand.

 

…………………………………….

 

After escaping the spider with minimal injuries (He’d caught his foot on the desk leg) Henry weaved through the house, occasionally pausing to perform some kind of apparently cool dance move when the beat dropped, heading for the back door again. He was in pursuit of Hansel, intent on punching him for raiding his mom’s underwear.

His search was successful but he didn’t expect to find Hansel on the roof belting out Celine Dion’s All by Myself. Henry shrugged and climbed on to the roof to join Hansel, feeling like this needed to be a duet.

 

……………………………………….

 

“Why don’t you want me to get twitter?” 

Emma groaned at the question; the subject of it, the timing of it, everything about it was unnecessary and inappropriate and she hated it. Hoping to make Regina forget about it, she slid her hand down and into ebony locks, pushing her girlfriends head back between her thighs.

Regina’s protest was muffled and she sat up fully, glaring at the blond- who was pouting- on the bed. 

“Regina c’mon!” Emma flopped her forearm over her eyes and growled.

“Just answer the question.”

“I just don’t see why you need it. I mean who would you tweet?”

Regina grumbled out a, “Fine, you’re right. For once.” And dropped back down to continue where she’d left off, earning a sharp gasp from the woman beneath her.

 

………………………………

 

Emma skimmed her fingers down the spines of the books on the shelf. She was in search of a thesaurus. After using a few random big words in bed the night before she’d realised she needed to get more, lots more. And bigger. 

Her eyes landed on the thesauruses and she slipped one out and skimmed through it, it seemed good enough. She’d sneaked out before Regina had woken that morning so she could waltz back in, breakfast and the biggest word she could find for ‘good morning’ in tow. Although now that she thought about it more with her slightly more awake brain, she was beginning to think ‘good morning’ was as articulate at that phrase got. Then again, she hadn’t checked yet.

Turns out it was as articulate as it got. She made a note to drop ‘articulate’ into conversation as it seemed to be a pretty good word. 

She walked back to the hotel, bearclaw in one hand and the thesaurus in the other. Emma chuckled to herself periodically as she encountered more and more words for ‘sex’. Who knew there were so many? She soon moved on to masturbation and then poop. 

As she reached the hotel, absentmindedly reaching out to pushing the main entrance open, her hand came into contact with something soft. The blond froze in place and slowly looked up, letting out a sigh of relief as it was Regina whose boob she’d accidently just groped.

“Do you regularly go around groping people without looking?”

“Yes. Lucky my first attempt of the morning was so successful.” Emma grinned, thinking herself smooth, “I bought you breakfast.” She held out the paper bag that was covered in powdered sugar and pastry flakes.

“How… charming.” Regina’s eyes sparkled, she thought she was hilarious. “Why are you holding a thesaurus?”

Emma raised a finger in an attempt to say ‘wait a minute’ and began flicking through the thesaurus.

She sighed, defeated, “I can’t find a better word for because' that can’t be used out of context. I’m trying to improve my vocabulary.”

“Since when did you care about how limited your vocabulary was?”

“Well you do and I care what you think and I’ve noticed when I say ‘bigger’ words, you kiss me or something similar.” Emma bit her lip, she felt a little awkward for telling Regina this.

Regina narrowed her eyes, “Honestly, I didn’t think you’d pick up on it that quick. Improvements on all sides, don’t you think?”

“Huh?” 

“Never mind. I’m going to call Henry, come on dear.” She took Emma’s arm and headed in the direction of the park opposite the hotel. 

Emma gulped and hoped to hell Henry had the sense not to answer.


End file.
